


New Memories

by cheerforthewyverns



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, Grey Warden Stamina, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 20:35:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheerforthewyverns/pseuds/cheerforthewyverns
Summary: Our boys have a date get rained out, and head to the mansion for their first real Romantic Evening. I planned to have this be part of the bigger story of them getting together, but I am creeping ever slowly backwards in their story, it seems, and I keep reminding myself this is fanfiction, so I can tell the same story another way if I want to!This story would precedeGive and Takeby a couple of months at least. At some point I should put these in a proper series.As in all of my little stories, this is not true enemies-to-lovers territory, just awkward-nerds-to-friends-to-lovers.A few content notes on this story: Since this is soon after Anders and Fenris get together, Fenris is dealing with a lot of thoughts about how his past impacts his feelings on sex and bodies. There is nothing graphic in that vein, but there are mentions of Fenris's past objectification and assault while he was enslaved.
Relationships: Anders/Fenris (Dragon Age)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	New Memories

**Author's Note:**

> The end of the first chapter, after the horizontal rule, is a twist on the morning-after conversation you have with Fenris if you romance him. I have never been satisfied with that in the game, so here is my take on how I wish it had gone.

The first time Fenris took Anders to bed, properly, they’d spent the day together, collecting herbs in the hills. It was a chilly spring day, and Fenris had packed a hot meal of mushroom pies and a skin of wine for them to share as they foraged for materials Anders needed for the clinic. It was an excuse to spend time together away from their friends, who were becoming increasingly nosy about their evolving relationship. Fenris was grateful that Anders, despite his brazenness, also found solace in some amount of privacy, and they were choosing to do things in their own way, at their own pace, together.

Their adventure was ended prematurely by a sudden storm that blew in from the sea, however. They’d missed its warning signs, busy kissing under a tree for what felt like moments but was possibly an hour, and were soaked by the time they returned to Kirkwall.

Fenris insisted that they go to the mansion, and he bundled the healer into the study, lit the fire, and spread out Anders’s coat to dry over the bench. Anders’s underclothes were relatively dry, but he laid out his socks by the hearth. After removing, wiping down, and storing his armor, Fenris realized that the bench was full of Anders’s ridiculous coat, and sitting across from each other at the table seemed strange after he’d spent a good portion of the afternoon pressed against Anders in some fashion, and the only other place was the bed. So, there they sat.

His stomach was fluttering with nerves, hoping, but not sure what he was hoping for, when Anders finally pulled him onto his lap again, and kissed him deeply. This was the position they’d found themselves in earlier today, and several times before, kissing and murmuring, wrapped around each other, making each other hot and aroused, but not in _bed_ , and not with what felt like an endless expanse of time in front of them. They had no obligations except to each other for this whole evening ( _this whole night_ , Fenris thought), and Fenris’s body felt like it was vibrating with possibility, a sensation that only increased when Anders laid back on the bed, pulling Fenris down on top of him, still kissing him.

Fenris sat up from kissing Anders breathless, and the healer looked at him with wide, dilated eyes, his face and throat flushed, his mouth smiling. Curious, Fenris looked down and pushed Anders’s tunic up a bit, and was pleased to confirm that the flush spread all the way down to his belly. Fenris smiled and stroked a hand down Anders’s stomach (still too sunken, but starting to fill out a bit more), enjoying the texture of the dark golden hair and how it led down to the bulge in his loose trousers. Fenris felt a pull of want and looked back up to Anders’s face, which had somehow reddened even _more_ , to meet his eyes.

“I would like to touch you,” Fenris asked quietly, trying to keep his voice even.

Anders let out a laugh that was also a groan. “ _Please_.”

Feeling a bit giddy, Fenris quickly unbuttoned the healer’s trousers. Fenris knew that he didn’t wear smalls, thanks to Isabela’s teasing, and Anders’s hard cock sprang up, equally flushed as the rest of him. Fenris took a moment to admire how well it suited the healer: it was large, long, but not too thick, and flushed. He felt another rush of heat, and carefully wrapped his hand around the shaft.

Anders arched into his hand, gasping. “Please, Fen. Please touch me,” he whispered.

Fenris took an experimental stroke from the root to halfway up the shaft, and Anders sighed. Fenris quickly discovered that Anders was just as open and honest in his reactions here as he was in any other situation, and it was easy for Fenris to see every movement and hear every sound from where he was seated between the healer’s long legs. Anders seemed to enjoy what he was doing, so Fenris started to simply pump his cock in long, steady motions, finding that he very much liked the feel of it in his hand.

Anders moaned quietly and pressed back into the pillow, his breath coming in soft pants. He began to roll his hips against Fenris’s hand, and Fenris responded by lengthening the strokes to the tip. Anders gasped, then smiled and looked down to meet his eyes.

“Feels so good,” Anders murmured breathlessly.

Fenris felt a throb in his loins, and swallowed. He found himself reaching for the healer’s hand with his free one, and Anders clasped his hand gladly.

He experimented a bit more with where he grasped Anders’s cock, how much pressure, how fast. After not too long, precum began to bead at the head, and Fenris felt his mouth water as he smeared the silky liquid down the shaft. He paused his stroking to press his thumb to the slit, rubbing the slick wetness back and forth over the head. Anders was panting and moaning softly.

“Anders,” he said, shocked at how rough his voice sounded, and equally shocked at what he was about to propose. “May I use my mouth?”

Anders let out that barking laugh-groan again, this time breathlessly. “ _Absolutely_.”

Fenris moved back a bit and settled lower. He licked his lips to wet them, and pressed his mouth to the head of Anders’s cock. This was something that he knew he was technically very good at; the difference now was that he _wanted_ to. Anders was hot and velvety, and he smelled and tasted _good_ , and before Fenris could think too hard about it, he sank down, taking the head and the first few inches beyond into his mouth. He could feel Anders twitch on his tongue, and heard him moan loudly, before the healer quickly muffled the sound with his free hand.

Fenris pulled back. “I want to hear you, Anders,” he murmured, squeezing the healer’s hand in his.

Anders dropped his hand from his mouth and gripped the bedspread, biting his kiss-bruised lower lip. “I am probably going to be very loud,” he warned, as if this would be a problem.

Fenris flicked his tongue on the underside of the head. “Good,” he rasped, before sinking down again.

He set a steady pace, bobbing, and massaging with his tongue. He began stroking with his hand in the same rhythm but in the opposite direction, sliding up to meet his lips and squeezing down around the root as he lapped at the head, occasionally sliding his hand further down into the healer’s rumpled trousers to gently massage his sack, which was also softly furred with dark blond hair, and drawn up. Fenris tasted more salty precum. Anders moaned and hummed, louder now, his breathing growing ragged.

Fenris took a deep breath and swallowed down more, feeling his heartbeat in his ears as he let the head of Anders’s cock pop into his throat, and stayed there for a few seconds. Anders scrabbled with his legs on the bed, moaning loudly, squeezing Fenris’s hand hard, and pressing his feet flat on the mattress, as if to brace himself against the pleasure. Fenris pulled off, gasping.

“ _Fuck_ , Fen,” Anders moaned. “Maker, that’s— _fuck_.” His squeezed Fenris’s hand again, hard.

Fenris took a moment to recover and then did it again, managing to get a bit further this time, swallowing around Anders’s cock, feeling a throb of heat at Anders’s deep, loud groan. He realized he was very, very hard in his leggings, aching, but he didn’t have any free hands to do anything about it, so he kept sucking, and swallowing and licking.

“Fen—I’m—I can’t—I’m going to—” Anders’s voice sounded desperate, rising in pitch.

Fenris looked up to see Anders’s face: his mouth was slack with pleasure, his brows knitted, his eyes dark. Fenris smiled around the healer’s cock in his mouth, which felt thicker and harder as Anders drew close to coming, so slick with his saliva and Anders’s precum. He sank down again, holding Anders in his throat while he massaged firmly at the root with his fingers.

Anders gasped, a high, soft sound, then seemed to curl in on himself before coming into Fenris’s mouth, his hips stuttering. Fenris was ready for the first jet of seed, and he watched and felt as the healer’s body wracked itself silently, swallowing him down and still massaging the shaft. After another powerful spasm, Anders finally let out a low, throaty groan, and _continued_ to come in impressively heavy spurts, shuddering. Eventually he let out another groan and went boneless, except for his cock, which remained just as hard.

Fenris was surprised, and he found himself, astonishingly, extremely turned on. He carefully extracted the healer’s cock from his throat. Anders twitched, and a bit more seed dribbled out. Fenris lapped at the head without thinking, tidying up the last drops. Anders lay panting for a moment longer before his eyes flew open and he sat up, cupped Fenris’s face in his hands, and kissed him hard. He lapped inside Fenris’s mouth and moaned, obviously able to taste himself, stroking Fenris’s sensitive ears. Fenris felt himself melt; the healer’s relaxed body, musky smell, gentle hands, hot mouth, and heavy breaths all made him feel good and happy.

“That was amazing,” Anders murmured, still breathless, against Fenris’s mouth. “You are _amazing_. Where—” He cut himself off and shook his head. “ _Terrible_ question, I—”

“Stop talking, Anders,” Fenris suggested dryly.

Anders smiled apologetically, and Fenris felt such a surge of warmth and fondness that he could not help but wrap his arms around the healer’s neck and pull himself close for another kiss. Anders wrapped his long, strong arms around him, rubbing his back through his tunic, the back of his neck, his hair. Fenris was thrilled to realize how safe he felt in the healer’s embrace, even after swallowing him down, even with the feel of that _still_ -hard cock against his stomach. He closed his eyes and relished the feeling of Anders’s warm, rough hand cupping around the back of his neck, his body hot all over as they kissed.

When they paused for air, Anders said earnestly, “I really, _really_ want suck you off.”

Fenris felt a quiet moan of want vibrate in his throat, and nodded fervently. Anders kissed him again, deeply. Fenris pressed his hands to the healer’s chest, his fingers curling into his tunic and feeling his rapid heartbeat. Anders gently tipped him backward, still kissing him, then rubbed his hands over Fenris’s legging-clad thighs as he landed softly on the bed. He stared as the healer quickly unlaced his leggings and, after a moment of confusion, undid the tiny hooks-and-eyes holding his smallclothes shut. Fenris let out a sigh of relief, or anticipation, he wasn’t sure, when his cock popped free.

“ _Maker_ ,” Anders breathed, wrapping his hands around Fenris’s hips. His thumbs rubbed over Fenris’s sharp hipbones, and he leaned down and pressed wet, open-mouthed kisses to Fenris’s hip where his tunic was riding up, licking over the lyrium and sending sparks of hot pleasure skittering directly to his cock. Anders had kissed the lyrium on Fenris’s face, neck, and hands before, so he knew the effect it had, but this was so much _more_.

“Anders,” he gasped.

Anders hummed with delight and kissed a line of lyrium across his other hipbone. “You are gorgeous. I want to lick you all _over_ ,” he murmured. “Maybe later. First I want to do this.” He licked a long stripe up the underside of Fenris’s cock.

Fenris had to squeeze his eyes shut. Feeling the healer’s mouth on him and seeing it at the same time was like feeling it _twice_ , and feeling it was _once_ was already almost too much. He felt Anders clasp his hand again. That firm, gentle hand was keeping him here and now, and his chest felt tight with gratitude. He wanted to say something, anything, to say how much it meant, before a wave of pleasure hit him when Anders swallowed him down, almost to the root.

Fenris let out a sound that could uncharitably be called a whimper. Anders hummed, the sound vibrating through Fenris’s cock. He started steadily bobbing up and down, licking and sucking, his mouth so hot, soft, and wet. He squeezed Fenris’s hand occasionally. Fenris opened his eyes to catch Anders on an upstroke, saw how his eyes were closed as if in bliss, his lips stretched around the shaft and slipping tenderly over the head, before hungrily sliding down again.

Fenris barely caught the rhythmic twitch of Ander’s arm on the edge of his vision. With a flush of heat, he realized that Anders was jerking off as he sucked him, and he had to throw his head back and will himself to not come right then.

“Anders.” His voice sounded wrecked. “ _Anders_ , I—I’m—”

Anders squeezed his hand reassuringly. Then he began to bob faster, if a bit more messily, his tongue flicking out to lap at the head on each upstroke, and sliding down to suck his way back up to the tip. Fenris thought about Anders touching himself, and the sensation of his mouth, and felt himself pushed suddenly over the edge.

Fenris came _hard_ and bucked, catching Anders a bit by surprise, but he quickly rallied, swallowing greedily. Fenris couldn’t still his quaking body as he was racked by wave after wave of intense pleasure pulling from deep inside him. Distantly, he heard a long, rough groan, which he realized must be coming from him, because he could also hear Anders moaning around his cock. Finally, he felt wrung out, oversensitive, and he collapsed back, and Anders released him with a gasp.

Anders shifted, and Fenris cracked open his eyes again, feeling as if he were a dream, to see the healer up on his knees, staring straight at Fenris, his eyes bright and wide, his mouth red and debauched, his hand moving rapidly over his jutting cock. Anders shut his eyes and moaned, and came _again_ , his seed striping the sheets between Fenris’s legs. He continued to fuck his fist, _continuing_ to come, and then finally finished with a gasp.

Fenris suddenly had a brief, lurid vision of having Anders come _on_ him, feeling the hot spatter on his stomach, and was shocked to feel desire for _that_ , stirring into the warmth already diffused through his spent body.

“Fuck,” Anders moaned. “You _taste_ so _good_.”

Fenris felt his face heat. He was well used to the healer’s honesty, but for some reason he hadn’t expected it in bed (absurd, he now realized), which must have shown on his face. Anders smiled and moved over him to kiss him thoroughly. Fenris realized with a thrill that he could taste himself in the healer’s mouth. He kissed back, miffed when Anders pulled back to catch his breath, grinning. Anders laid down next to Fenris, and they turned to face each other.

“Maker, I haven’t come like that in _years_ ,” Anders sighed.

“You came a lot,” Fenris said, feeling hot at the words. He glanced down, and saw Anders was _still_ hard.

Anders sighed and rolled his eyes. “Warden stamina. Although, I’ve always been randy, I suppose. And you are so wonderful.” He ran a hand appreciatively over Fenris’s hip, and bit his lip. “I think it’s going to be a while,” he said, sounding apologetic.

Fenris felt the curl of desire from earlier coil tighter in his loins. He was rarely aroused, rarely _wanted_ to be, so the state the healer had put him in was a bit alarming, but he felt good, and safe, and cared for, and he wanted very much to see more of Anders, and _feel_ more of Anders. “I would like to continue,” he said. He frowned at his lack of eloquence. Coming so hard seemed to have knocked a lot of words out of his head.

“That’s a funny face for a man who wants to go again,” Anders said gently.

“You seem to have affected my vocabulary.”

Anders snorted a laugh. “Well, I do like to hear _that_ , even if it’s still with pretty big words.” He rubbed Fenris’s back through his tunic, in long, soothing strokes. His voice a bit softer, he said, “I really, really liked making you come. It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a long while, and it was as amazing as I’d hoped. I hope this all wasn’t too much, or too sudden.” The healer suddenly looked unsure.

Fenris reached up to gently cup Anders’s jaw, rubbing his thumb lightly over the stubble. His throat felt tight, but there was no point in avoiding the truth. “I have been thinking about it as well,” he whispered, and Anders lit up. “I have not done this before, not with…someone I care about.” Anders face darkened, his eyes flashing blue, before he nodded gently.

Fenris frowned again, not sure what he wanted to say. “I enjoyed it very much, and will enjoy doing it again, but I think I also require patience for trying new things.”

Anders’s face went very soft. “We go as slow or fast as you want. I want you to feel _safe_ , and I don’t ever want to do anything you don’t want. You can always, always, say to stop, and I’ll stop, even if we’re in the middle of something, even if it’s something we’ve done before. And, I trust you to allow me the same.”

Fenris looked down at where his hand was pressed against the front of Anders’s rumpled tunic, the healer’s body solid underneath, and very warm, making Fenris feel like this conversation was perhaps actually real, and not a fantasy he was imagining, passed out from his orgasm. “Thank you, Anders.”

“Oh, Fen.” Anders wrapped him up in his arms and held him tight.

Fenris took the uncharacteristic silence that followed as an indicator that it was a good idea to kiss the healer again. Anders melted against him, all mussed hair and loose limbs, and they kissed for a while. Then, Anders drew back.

“Before we continue,” Anders said, “I do have a request. Can we clean up a bit? I’d like to get out of these clothes and maybe change the sheets.” He wrinkled his nose. “I made a bit of a mess, and we’re lying in it.”

Fenris could not help smiling. “We can certainly change the sheets, and take a bath, if you would like.”

“That’s right!” Anders gasped. “You have a _bath_!”

Fenris felt his smile grow wider. “I have a bath. It is on the other side of the house, however.”

Anders sighed dramatically, stretching. “I can probably make it. Maybe a snack too?”

They climbed out of bed and took a brief detour to the kitchen, so they could each wolf down a handful of nuts and some dried apple slices, and drink some water. Fenris was amused to see that getting out of bed and not actively rubbing against and kissing each other seemed to have finally cooled Anders’s erection, at least for now. Once they had eaten, Fenris took Anders’s hand and led him down the far corridor to the bathing chamber.

The bathtub was one of Fenris’s favorite features of the mansion. When he had had decided to stay, one of the first things he’d done was scrub out the mildewed tub with strong soap, and he now cleaned it regularly with vinegar as part of his usual routine.

When they entered the room, he lit the lamp, and Anders stopped in his tracks.

“Andraste’s _ass_.” The healer stared into the sunken tub, open-mouthed. “Do you think there’s room for both of us?”

“I do.” Fenris crouched by the runed taps and turned on the hot water, and heard the rustle of fabric. He looked up at Anders, who was grinning and undressing. Fenris’s breath caught appreciatively at the healer’s (again, honestly unsurprising) lack of reserve.

Anders’s body, which Fenris had of course already seen parts of, was very lovely altogether. He was all lanky angles, broad shoulders and long legs, his build and the long scar over his heart showing the lie of the fragile healer persona he sometimes adopted. He undid his messy bun, and his thick, reddish gold hair fell in tangles around his shoulders. Fenris felt his mouth go a bit dry; he wanted to touch all of that hair, and also the fine golden hair that scattered over Anders’s chest and stomach, _and_ the darker hair that surrounded his cock. Anders saw him looking, and grinned even more.

“I’d like for you to get undressed too,” Anders said, almost shyly, his voice belying his rakish grin.

Fenris felt his ears go hot. He stood and carefully undid the clasps on the front of his tunic, letting it drop to the floor, then peeled himself out of his leggings and smalls, tossing them to the side.

“Maker.” Anders was staring at him, wide-eyed. “I mean, I’ve seen bits of you, before. But, _Fenris_.”

Fenris looked down at himself, trying to identify what could have led to Anders’s reaction. When he looked back up, his face must have showed his confusion.

Anders laughed and shook his head. “You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you.”

Fenris shrugged. “I am accustomed to people being frightened of me, or considering me a weapon, an object, beautiful or otherwise.”

Anders suddenly took two long strides to stand before him, and grasped Fenris’s hands. He drew them both up to his face and gave the knuckles firm kisses, looking down directly into Fenris’s eyes. “You are _not_ an object,” he said fervently, “and I will do _everything_ in my power to ensure you never feel that way again.” For a moment he stood straighter, his eyes flashed blue again, and his face took on a sterner cast. “ _Never_.” His voice was lower, doubled, the sound bouncing in the stone-floored chamber.

Fenris felt a momentary shiver of…something. He was not frightened of Justice, not exactly, but his presence was always unsettling. However, just as quickly as the change came over him, Anders was Anders again, pressing more kisses to Fenris’s hands and fingers. The lyrium felt _warm_ where his lips touched. Fenris stepped closer so that he could press himself against all of that warm skin, his face against the soft hair on Anders’s chest. Anders made a soft, pleased sound in his throat, and wrapped Fenris in his long arms, resting his chin on top of Fenris’s head. Fenris was briefly overwhelmed by the feeling of how well they fitted together, like stones in a wall, or puzzle pieces.

They stood quietly until the tub was ready. Fenris showed Anders where the step down into the tub was, and they climbed in one after another. There was enough space for them both, but it was still snug. They sat facing each other, their legs folded together, and leaned back against the warm, tiled walls.

Anders let out a long sigh and closed his eyes. “This is _very_ nice.”

Fenris hummed, feeling suddenly sleepy in the hot water. He hadn’t felt this relaxed in a long time, and he wondered how Anders could both excite and unwind him so much.

Anders slipped into the water to submerge his head, then bobbed back up, wiping water from his eyes. His long hair was now plastered to his head, darker, and Fenris was struck anew by how lovely his golden-brown eyes were. He wanted to touch the healer, but also wanted to stay where he was so comfortable, so he split the difference and squeezed one of Anders’s calves between his own. Anders smiled and stretched his legs a bit closer to Fenris, rubbing them all together.

“Would you mind if I wash my hair?” Anders asked. “It’s much harder to do at the clinic.”

“Not at all. The basket by your arm has some soaps in it.”

“Oooh.” Anders twisted to grab the basket and rummage through it for a glass bottle of hair cleanser that Fenris knew smelled like orange and mint. “You have no idea how luxurious this is. _Everything_ at the clinic smells like elfroot or tallow. I really shouldn’t complain, but, Maker.”

Fenris actually liked how Anders always seemed to smell of elfroot, clean and bright. As Anders rubbed the cleanser into his hair, sighing, he continued to chatter about the clinic, his patients, his work, making Fenris feel even more relaxed. He quietly, efficiently washed himself, as the healer splashed and talked.

Finally, having finished rinsing his hair and scrubbing himself vigorously, Anders frowned. “Maker, I’ve been talking about _wound_ _care_. Please say you’ll tell me if you want me to stop talking about Coterie stabbings, and…children with diarrhea.”

Fenris found himself chuckling. “I enjoy listening to you talk. The topic is not important.”

Anders smiled, then his expression turned serious. “There are a few things I _do_ think we should talk about, though.”

Fenris felt a twinge of unease.

Anders moved a bit closer, and ran his hands up and down Fenris’s arms under the water. “I know just a bit ago I said I want to move as slowly as you need, but I also don’t want to coddle you. You’re a grown man, and we are equals in all things. But, is there anything that I…should know? Anything you need me to avoid? Words, actions?” His face was earnest, his brows drawn together.

Fenris breathed out a sigh of relief. He was not sure what he was expecting Anders to say, but this was not it, although he realized he should not be surprised by the healer’s care. He thought for a few moments. “I am unsure. As I said, this is very new to me. I am not sure I know what I like, myself, or what to anticipate.” He frowned. “It is frustrating.”

“Did you like the things we did today?” Anders said, sounding hopeful.

“I did,” he answered immediately. He had.

Anders grinned at his quick response. “That is good to hear. They’re all things I like very much. Perhaps we just keep talking, and checking in, and making sure we’re on the same page when we try something new. Also,” Anders clarified, “I don’t just mean with sex. I know we can be reminded of things in the past in unanticipated ways, even reminded of things we thought we had forgotten, good or bad. So, if I do or say anything that is a problem, or you think _might_ be a problem, _please_ tell me.” Anders shrugged. “I’ve tried to make careful study of the health of the mind as well as the body in my work, but probably with less success. Brains are weird.”

In what he realized was becoming a habit when he felt overwhelmed with emotion about something the healer did or said, Fenris leaned forward to press against Anders, and just as he had every other time, Anders wrapped him in his arms.

“Oh, love,” Anders murmured. He tensed. “ _Shit._ That kind of slipped out, sorry.”

Fenris drew back and looked at Anders carefully. His face had gone sad, his eyes downcast to Fenris’s chest. “Why do you apologize?” Fenris said.

Anders’s eyes snapped up. “That can be a loaded word. I don’t know if it’s too soon, or—” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ve always fallen in love fast, and hard. And there are so many kinds of love.” He smiled ruefully. “You don’t mind?”

Fenris paused to carefully arrange his thoughts before he spoke. “When I was with Danarius, he would”—he swallowed—“ _request_ that I say that word to him. That I expressed that I loved him. For a time, I thought I _was_ in love with him; I had no experience to compare it to, no memory of anyone with whom I might have shared such sentiments.”

Anders was looking at him with an unreadable expression.

Fenris continued, “Eventually, I realized that the feeling I had was _not_ love, nor did he love me. The word was another way of holding power over me, nothing more.” He frowned. “I am not being as clear as I would like. What I am _trying_ to say is that I always want you to speak honestly to me about how you feel, and I do not want you to alter your words or behaviors out of concern that I will be offended, or not return the sentiment. It is not a word I can say easily, but that does not mean I do not feel it.” He looked back shyly at Anders.

Anders’s eyes were wet. “Fenris,” he whispered. He shook his head. “You are a wonder, Fenris. You have survived so much, and that would turn many people bitter and selfish and closed, and for good reason. But you are so genuine, so open with your feelings, and so clever.” He laughed. “And despite being clever, here you are sitting naked in a bathtub with a _mage_.”

Fenris huffed. “You have gone through a great deal, as well, Anders. And you are intelligent, and gentle, and kind.”

Anders smiled ruefully. “I was very, _very_ bitter, for a very long time. I still am, sometimes. I _do_ remember my childhood, and I _do_ remember being given to the Chantry by my father, who I _still_ hate. But many people have helped me: Wynne, the workers at the Pearl, the Warden Commander, Justice, Karl.” He looked very sad for a moment. “I could not do what I do without the knowledge that those people all saw something in me that was worthwhile, worth cultivating.” He took Fenris’s hands. “Adversity doesn’t make people kind, Fen. Kindness does.”

Fenris watched as Anders’s thumbs rubbed back and forth over his lyrium-striped knuckles, and felt a firm kiss on his forehead. Before Anders could pull away, Fenris lifted his face and kissed him, hard. Anders let out a little surprised gasp, then let go of his hands to cup the back of his head, kissing back deeply and moaning into his mouth. Fenris felt a full-body shiver at the sound, despite being in the hot bath, and he pulled back, breathless.

“If you are done bathing, I would like to go back to bed,” he said.

Anders’s eyes were dark, his lips kiss-bruised. He grinned. “Probably not worth changing the sheets yet?”

Fenris shook his head, smiling. “No, not yet.”

They climbed out of the bath and drained it, drying quickly with soft towels from the cupboard. Fenris was gratified to see that Anders was getting hard again, and he felt a bolt of heat, feeling the pleasant friction of the towel against his own cock. He found himself pulling Anders to him and kissing him again, feeling another bloom of heat at the sensation of Anders’s cock prodding against his stomach. He usually did not like being naked, even when he was alone, but this, this was so different. He felt free.

Anders broke off from the kiss, smiling. “We have _got_ to go to the bedroom before I disgrace myself in your lovely bathing chamber,” Anders laughed.

When they returned to the bedroom, the fire was going out.

“May I?” Anders asked, raising a hand and wiggling his fingers.

Fenris nodded, and he felt the light, hot pull on the lyrium when Anders performed the quick hand motions and murmured words that caused the fire to leap back to life.

“You are extremely gorgeous in the firelight,” Anders murmured, pulling Fenris close again, and kissing him again.

Fenris felt himself get a bit lost in the kiss, and yelped with surprise when he found himself backed up against the bed, toppling down onto the soft bedspread, Anders following.

“Sorry. Is having me on top of you alright?” Anders asked softly, brushing hair out of Fenris’s eyes.

“Yes,” Fenris said. He looped his arms around Anders’s shoulders, feeling the strong muscles of his back, the twin of the scar on his front. Fenris felt warm and safe under him, not closed in, or trapped.

Anders hummed and leaned down to kiss him again. “Maker, I want you,” Anders breathed, “tip to tail.”

Fenris drew back, confused by the expression. “Tip to tail?”

“Yes.” Anders laughed. “It usually means to eat a creature in its entirety, from the tip of the nose to the, well, tail.”

“So you wish to eat me,” Fenris deadpanned.

“Well, yes, in a way.” Anders grinned. “I _do_ want various parts of you in my mouth. I would _gladly_ suck you again, but maybe you want to try something else?”

Fenris paused before responding, biting his lip. “You mentioned licking. I would like to try that, if you are still interested.”

“Ooh, yes.” Anders gave Fenris another hard, but quick, kiss. “The lyrium feels good when its touched, yes?”

Fenris shifted. “It can,” he said carefully. “It feels…what I am feeling, but more.”

“Hmm, I think I see. It will be my job to make you feel very good, then.” Anders slid down a bit, leaving a trail of kisses down Fenris’s neck and chest, then he licked a long stripe up his sternum. Fenris gasped, the sensation sparking through the broad channel of lyrium there as it branched over his chest and stomach. Anders hummed. He kissed back down the middle of his chest, only to follow a curl of lyrium to a nipple, giving it a long lick. He moved his tongue lightly over the nipple, teasing it to a peak, before laving his tongue across to the other nipple to give it the same attention.

Fenris was panting, feeling drunk with sensation. “Anders,” Fenris gasped.

“You are so _sensitive_ ,” Anders murmured with delight. He sucked gently on the second nipple, flicking his tongue rapidly over the tip, and trailed a finger along the underside of Fenris’s hard cock. Fenris’s hips jerked at the unexpected sensation, and he heard himself let out a soft, desperate moan.

Anders leaned down and kissed his stomach, following the lyrium with his lips and tongue. Fenris’s loins were all coiling heat, his mind feeling hazy again. But Anders’s hand was trailing lower, and Fenris’s stomach suddenly turned cold, and he sat up.

Anders’s eyes went wide, his body going rigid. “What’s wrong?”

“I—” Fenris’s heart was pounding. “I do not wish to be penetrated.”

Anders breathed out and let his shoulders fall. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t going to, but I still should have asked where it was alright to touch you. Do you want to stop?”

Fenris didn’t know what to say. Anders was literally doing something he had _said_ he would do, but the way he had stopped, so quickly, so firmly, floored him. Fenris touched Anders’s shoulders, his arms, feeling the strong muscles, the warm, smooth skin. Anders smiled at the touch. “I would like to continue,” he said slowly. “You can touch…” He felt his face go hot, unable to verbalize what he wanted. Instead, he took one of Anders’s hands and pressed it around his sack. He felt himself quiver with the effort to hold still.

“Oh, good,” Anders whispered, licking his lips. He gave a light, experimental squeeze.

Fenris felt a jolt of heat go straight to his cock, which had flagged, but which quickly started hardening again now that Anders was massaging his sack and the joins of his thighs, and Fenris threw his head back with his eyes shut, mindlessly rolling his hips against the sensation.

“I have an idea,” Anders said, and Fenris could hear the smile in his voice, feel the kisses he started leaving along his stomach again.

“What?” Fenris asked. His voice was breathy and rough.

“How would you like to touch your cock while I kiss you?” He left more kisses in the crease of Fenris’s thigh, his tongue flicking out. “You can show me how you like to be touched.”

“I—” Fenris had never done that in front of _anyone_ , and the idea made him feel a bit wild. “I can try,” he managed, trying to breathe.

Anders left another kiss on his stomach. “Only if you want to. If you don’t like it, we can do something else.”

Fenris swallowed hard and nodded, slowly moving a hand down to wrap around the base of his cock. He heard Anders’s breath catch, and saw the rapt expression on his face. He realized that Anders had asked not just because he thought this was something Fenris might like, but it was something Anders wanted to _see_ , to participate in, and he felt a flush of pleasure at the idea. Feeling strangely powerful, Fenris made one slow stroke along his cock, up and down, watching as Anders’s eyes followed his hand.

“You like this,” Fenris murmured, starting another equally slow stroke. “You like watching, and being watched,” he continued, still stroking.

Anders’s eyes snapped to his, and Fenris grinned as a flush rose high to Anders’s cheeks.

“Yes,” Anders said, smiling. His eyes were very bright. “You’ve got me there, you genius.”

Fenris hummed and let himself enjoy the feel of his hand, arching his back a bit. “I like when you touch me. I like when you look at me.” Saying it made his ears burn, but it was true.

As if on cue, Anders went back to touching, giving his sack another gentle squeeze, and kissing along a line of lyrium that curled over his hip, sighing. With himself literally in hand, Fenris felt a bit more in control, less frantic. He felt a trickle of wetness from the head, and he used it to speed up his strokes, relaxing into the feeling of Anders’s mouth on his skin.

Anders murmured, his voice rough, “You look _so good_ like this.” His kissed more, licking and nibbling along the lyrium that swirled along Fenris’s hip, his inner thigh.

Fenris started to stroke faster, the steady flow of precum making the slide easy. He felt almost overwhelmed by sensation, but exhilarated. He tried to see what Anders was doing with his other hand, but was blocked by his own naked body and the healer’s face as he kissed and licked. “Are you…?” he asked, breathlessly.

“Yes,” Anders laughed. He sat back, and while Fenris was saddened at the loss of his mouth on the lyrium, he was excited to see the healer’s hand working up and down his long cock. “Want to together?”

Fenris didn’t understand what he meant, since surely they were _already_ doing this together, but he nodded, since he had enjoyed every suggestion Anders had offered so far. Anders clambered toward him, encouraged him to sit up, and sat close between his legs. Finally, he gathered their cocks together with one large hand.

“ _Oh,_ ” Fenris breathed.

Fenris stared as Anders began to stroke their cocks at the same time, both slick with precum, pressing and massaging them against each other. Fenris immediately pressed his face against Anders’s neck, panting, overcome with pleasure. Without thinking, he kissed and licked the sweat from the underside of Anders’s jaw.

Anders let out a sound that was part laugh, part moan. He pumped faster, and pressed a kiss to Fenris’s ear, his breath uneven. “You feel _so_ good. I’m—fuck, I’m close again. You make me want to never stop.”

“Anders,” Fenris gasped, since he didn’t know what else to say.

“I’ve got you, love,” Anders whispered.

The sensation of Anders’s hand stroking them together, and his use of that _word_ again, was beginning to be too much. But instead of plateauing and becoming overstimulated, which often happened if he tried to touch himself, Fenris felt the pleasure grow even _more_ , and soon he heard himself moaning, feeling like he was burning up, unable to tell where his skin stopped and Anders’s began. He felt like he was erupting with heat, like he was overflowing, and emptying out, feeling _wet_. He faltered, and rode out the final spasms of pleasure, only then beginning to realize that he’d come, groaning into Anders’s shoulder.

He felt a bit like he was floating, although he knew he was sitting up, leaning heavily against Anders. Anders’s arm was around him, and Fenris moved his trembling arms to wrap them around Anders’s waist. Anders smelled so _good_ , like elfroot, and musk, and sweat, and _cum_ , which had never smelled good to him before in his life, and Fenris was so enraptured with the scents and the heat coming off the healer’s skin that he barely noticed when Anders tipped them both over, falling into a tangle in the sheets.

Anders gently rolled them so that he was on his back and Fenris was splayed over him, then let out a long, deep sigh, and cuddled Fenris close. His hands once again moved up and down, rubbing over Fenris’s back, his neck, his hips, his thighs, sending tingles of pleasure through him as the lyrium buzzed. So unlike other times when the lyrium made him feel overladen with sensation, good or bad, he felt instead like he was lying in a warm pool, with little ripples softly lapping at his skin. He closed his eyes and rubbed himself against Anders’s warm, sweat-damp body, feeling better than he could ever remember, wanting as much of that _feeling_ as he could get, and simultaneously, pleasantly, exhausted.

“Fen,” Anders murmured.

“Mmm,” he hummed.

“That was _so_ good.”

“Mmm.”

“You’re…glowing, a bit.” Anders voice was full of wonder.

“Hmm.”

Anders kissed his hair. “Beautiful. You are so beautiful.”

Fenris didn’t know when he drifted to sleep.

* * *

Later, in his dreams, Fenris saw visions that felt like memories. He woke, trying desperately to grasp anything more than fragments.

He was still pressed close to Anders, but he was cold with sweat. The fire had gone out, but he needed air, he needed space. He sat up.

“S’going on?” Anders murmured sleepily, stirring.

Fenris was _cold_ , and shivered, feeling his heart pound, his chest tight. He didn’t know how to explain, how to ask for what he needed, or even _what_ he needed. “I remembered things, from before,” he said. His voice sounded small, tremulous.

“Before…” Anders frowned and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. “Before the lyrium?”

Fenris nodded. He shivered again, and Anders quickly draped the covers around his shoulders, but didn’t move to touch him.

“Good memories?” He sounded and looked doubtful.

“I think so.”

“Oh.” His face cleared a bit. “How often does that happen?”

Fenris looked down at his hands in the dark. “Never?”

“You’ve never remembered _anything_?”

Fenris shook his head and closed his eyes, trying to preserve the scraps of images. “I can barely remember now.”

“Would it help to tell me what you _do_ remember?”

Fenris opened his eyes again. He could see Anders clearly in the dark, and the healer’s face was worried, his eyes sad, and full of an emotion that Fenris was only just beginning to understand. “It might.”

“Then tell me,” Anders said firmly. “May I hold you?”

Fenris nodded, feeling deeply grateful at the question, and shocked that he _wanted_ to be held, and he was swiftly wrapped up once more in Anders’s strong arms. He laid his head on a broad shoulder, feeling anchored, and carefully told as many details as he could, feeling them grow hazier even as he tried to speak about them. A woman’s kind but blurry face (his mother?), a little girl with dark-red hair in buns (his sister?) running ahead of him through a hot, sunny courtyard, fresh mango chutney, the sound of light afternoon rain on broad leaves. He was a child in these visions, he thought, the same height as the girl.

“What’s mango?” Anders murmured sleepily.

“A fruit, with a very large stone in the center. It is very soft, and sweet. The Fog Warriors taught me how to eat them.”

“But you had them as a child, too?”

“I don’t know,” Fenris admitted, realizing now with some dismay that his dream may have been a mix of memories, or memory and complete fantasy. “I suppose.”

“This may be a very stupid question, so forgive me: are you _from_ Seheron?”

“It is possible. I do not remember anything from before Tevinter. At least…” He frowned. His head was starting to hurt.

“Nothing you have to figure out right now,” Anders said quickly. He gave Fenris a squeeze, and kissed his hair. “Thank you for sharing your dream with me. I hope you can remember more, if you want to.” Fenris felt another soft kiss in his hair. “Do you want to try to sleep again?”

Fenris felt exhausted. “Yes.”

More kisses to his hair, his forehead, and they settled down again. Fenris had slept beside Anders before, on camping trips on the Wounded Coast, or napping on the sofa after long brunches in Varric’s suite, but this was the first time he could remember sleeping beside another person he _wanted_ , in his _own_ bed, and he was shocked at how easy it was, how natural it felt to curl against Anders’s long body, to be held by him under the covers.

He was discovering that feeling two things at once, comfort and excitement, was becoming the norm with Anders, and he was intoxicated with the desire to see where it led.


End file.
